the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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