I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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