Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
