Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
