If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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