Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
