his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
