I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
