I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you mean i was at the winter classic?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Terrible idea I love it
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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