Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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