I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
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