the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
