So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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