Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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