sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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