I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
