The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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