Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
