I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
