it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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