My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I love you.
Bad choice
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
