The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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