my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
