if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
