I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
