What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Are these your boobs on my camera?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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