i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
