mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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