So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
