we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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