So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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