I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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