i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
