I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
