i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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