then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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