I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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