We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
