This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
