Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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