allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
