Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
