he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
