when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
