I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Reggie can tackle my bush.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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