What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
