Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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