My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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