Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
