Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
